Sports Nicknames: The Bad

In light of the recent post which discussed the more awesome nicknames in sports. Today we shall examine those nicknames which are uninspired, inappropriate, or just plain fucking nonsense. And we shall do so with far more attention to brevity since the author should be doing homework.

Ty Cobb - The Georgia Peach

Peaches are sweet and fuzzy. Ty Cobb was a racist dick who sharpened his cleats for extra opponent-stabby effect and sharpened his will for extra mercilessly-beating-the-handicapped effect.

Ted Kennedy - Teeder

What the crap is he teeding, anyways?

Randy Johnson - The Big Unit

Just.... no....
Ah fuck it, who can resist...
Why not just call him "The Big Johnson"?

Henri Richard - The Pocket Rocket

The Rocket only narrowly missed the good list (lost points due to Habs-playing type behavior). But here's his brother, getting reminded on a regular basis that no matter how many rings he collects, he will always be #2 in the Richard family.

Gale Sayers - The Kansas Comet

It's not that this is a horrible nickname... it has alliteration, it conveys speed. But Sayers only played his college ball in Kansas. He's actually from Nebraska. The idea conjures up Naked Gun-esque ideas of boxers named the Missouri Murderer, who are originally from New Jersey and fight out of Cleveland. Also, the highly convenient given name "Gale" is sitting right there, just itching for a wind-inspired pun. Why this avenue was never explored, the author shall never know. How about Gale Force Wind or Gale Front? They're not much but they're a start.

Many Hockey Players - All or part of the surname, then "-ie" or "-er"

The author has heard the arguments for this one (mostly they're based on brevity), and the author is not convinced. All these nicknames say is that nobody cares enough to give your moniker any though whatsoever, but they'd like to give you a nickname for the sake of a nickname. If the media wants to talk about Mike Richards and the best they can come up with is "Richie", then just fucking call him Mike Richards. Similarly, the Holden argument fails in that a teammate saying "Hey, Richie, pass the Axe deodorant spray" would save even more valuable syllables by saying "Hey, Mike, pass the Axe deodorant spray".

Mike Richards, Axe spokemodel

Joe Louis - The Brown Bomber

A black man goes into a white dominated business, and proceeds to get himself a nickname which first refers to the colour of his skin and then wraps it up with an oft-used cliche in said business. He's the Bizarro Vanilla Ice.

A History of Bonehead Moves

Everybody makes mistakes. It's a fact of life that we have all long since come to accept. But let's face it, pro sports is a big business. You are expected to consistently put a quality product on display for your fans, and a mental error at a crucial time sticks in people's heads. Nevertheless, there have been some truly epic failures over the years, and the author is not talking about bad plays from an athletic standpoint (i.e. Bill Buckner or Ray Finkle). No, the author is talking about those plays that make you ask "what the fuck was going through that guy's head?"

Tonight the author will review the actions of a man who has become synonymous with the word "gaffe". He is former Cowboys tackle Leon Lett. However the actions in question are not his famous ham-bone incident at Super Bowl XXVII. While this was a humiliating play for Lett personally, the game was already a joke, so really all he did was sacrifice a little bit of dignity for the sake of comedy.

The actions in question took place some 10 months later on the second biggest day on the NFL calendar, Thanksgiving Day. With the Cowboys leading 14-13 in a rare Dallas snowstorm, the visiting Dolphins lined up for a last minute field goal. The field goal attempt was blocked, and all the Cowboys had to do was let the ball go dead (note to non football fans: only the defensive team may recover a blocked field goal; if the offensive team touches it or the ball stops moving before it is touched by the defensive team, the play is dead and the defensive team gets the ball). Let the ever articulate Emmitt Smith tell you the rest.



There are a few things in this play that the author finds hilarious. First of all Leon Lett has apparently forgotten the above rule, which is a really basic football rule. Secondly, at no time does it cross his mind that something may be up when at least two players from each team are refraining from touching the ball in spite of having ample opportunity to safely make the recovery. Note also, once again, that it is snowing in fucking Dallas, as though Jesus really wanted Leon Lett to fail this horribly. The lightning quick speed which which the near 300 pounder comes screeching into the frame... seriously, the announcers and the stadium audience had at least a little bit of warning, but to those watching at home it was about about 3 Planck times of abject horror, then all they could do was blankly stare at the screen in a vain attempt attempt to comprehend what had just happened. Then there was the play by play jeeves saying "Leon Lett" twice, first with run of the mill sports announcer shock, then with the tone of your mother when she used your full name before a lecture when you were 6. But that note from the little girl... that has to be simultaneously the saddest and the funniest thing that the author has ever heard.

Attention Stalkers

Our good friends at DSBT have a little something for you concerning the whereabouts of your favourite hockey players.

Sports Nicknames: The Good

Inspired by Dull Skates and Broken Twigs' mention of the "Little Ball of Hate" Pat Verbeek, as well as Cracked.com's love of lists, the author (that's me) has decided to compile a list of the top nicknames in sports. By the way, honourable mention goes to the 6,238 hockey players who have been given the nickname "Killer".

Ron Francis - Ronnie Franchise

In two stints spanning 16 total seasons with the Whale/Canes, the author's (that's me) current old school favourite amassed 1175 scoring points, which is not only a team career record, but is also well over doublethe points scored by the teams next all-time leader Kevin Dineen. That is to say, this nickname was not a stretch.

Gordie Howe - Mr. Hockey

Nobody has played more hockey at the major professional level than Gordie Howe, very few have performed as well, and it's safe to say that nobody's elbows were more feared. Also, no pro hockey player has, to the author's (that's my) knowledge, come closer to nailing Ms. Krabappel. There are those who say that Gordie Howe was great but should not be counted among the greatest, and that he just played a lot of games. Well all those people have to do is take a gander at the 1968-69 NHL season, when Mr. Hockey, playing for a fifth place team at the age of 41, finished third in the league in scoring with 103 points.

Apollo Creed - Many, Many Nicknames

The only fictional sportsman on this list, the former champ once had all of his nicknames listed a few minutes before he was brutally murdered in the ring by He-Man. The most well known of his names was The Master Of Disaster, but he was also known as (in increasing order of awesome) The Dancing Destroyer, The King Of Sting, and The Count Of Monte Fisto. Also, his ring entrance makes Prince Naseem Hamed look like the acme of modesty:



Talk to you after the fight, Champ.

Reggie Jackson - Mr. October

He was a career .262 hitter, and nobody in the history of baseball has struckout more times. But if Jeremy Roenick were to mention it, Jackson would be quite unable to hear him, what with the 5 World Series rings in his ears. Rings that he has largely because nobody in the history of baseball has a bigger reputation for turning up his game in the month of October.

Babe Ruth - The Sultan of Swat

This is actually two awesome nicknames (sadly, George's mother did not give him the name "Babe"), and when you throw in "The Bambino", the greatest ball player of all time quickly become a pretty good nickname mine, too. Only two players have swatted more in their careers, and his 60 dingers in a single season remains the highest un-asterisked total.

Dick Lane - Night Train

He actually got the name from an old big band record, but nothing could be more fitting. This name captures his feared tackling style (the facemasking rule in football exists because of Lane) and it fucking rhymes. What more could you ask?

Walter Payton - Sweetness

Since his running style was ridiculously aggressive, the author (that's me) can only assume that this nickname stems from Payton's exploits as a hip-hop artist:



By the way, Payton and the 1985 Bears were so good that they recorded this video before the Super Bowl... victory was just that certain.

Stu Grimson - The Grim Reaper

While the other people on this list can be considered greats, Stu Grimson didn't even really belong in the NHL, but for his ability to intimidate the sweet living fuck out of everyone with his insanely unpredictable behavior:



The author (that's me) especially likes Doug "Killer" (imagine that) Gilmour's belly-to-back suplex, and Veal Scalloppini getting into it with the fan. But wait, there's more:



Calling this guy the Grim Reaper is actually a little misleading. While old Death is certainly a fearsome foe there is method, and consistency, and purpose in its ways. This guy was just a crazy shit who was given a piece of wood and thrown on the ice.

Lawrence Taylor and LaDainian Tomlinson - LT

Both of these men are so unbelievably bad ass that they don't need any of your little pussy-assed "words".

Roy Halladay - Doc

Originally a play on the old west gunfighter/dentist Doc Holliday, this turned out to be possibly the most appropriate nickname of all. The man is a fucking surgeon. He works quickly, he works tirelessly, he works methodically, and he has the best cutter since the invention of people throwing stuff.

Tommy "Hitman" Hearns and "Marvelous" Marvin Hagler

Just. Fucking. Watch.



Any questions?

The Superbowlers Part 2: Troy Polamalu's Hair

It was my extreme pleasure this week to get an interview with one of the most charismatic personalities in the NFL today. Appearing in the coming Super Bowl will be the ever-recognizable Troy Polamalu's Hair.

B-IV:
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your recent successes, and on your pending appearance in the big game. What preparations are you making to face that big passing attack?

TPH:
B-IV:
Now you and many of your team mates have been here before, but this time you're the favourites. Does this change your approach in any way?

TPH:B-IV:
And what sort of challenges do you expect with your individual game?

TPH:


B-IV:
But enough of this. Were there any celebrations after Sunday's victory? What does a big NFL star's hair do for fun?

TPH:B-IV:
Ha ha ha... of course you play in Pittsburgh, which has a great tradition in pro sports, with big names like Lemieux, Bradshaw, Mazeroski. Which Pittsburgh sports icon would you say has inspired you the most in your career?

TPH:

B-IV:
And of course as a famous football player, people look to you for inspiration as well. What does a hairdo in your position do to help the community at large?

TPH:

B-IV:
Thank you, Troy Polamalu's Hair. It was a pleasure as always.

TPH:

The Super Bowlers Part 1: Kurt Warner

The improbable run of the Arizona Cardinals into the Super Bowl has got me thinking of the perhaps even more improbable run of Kurt Warner, a man who has spent his entire career making Chad Pennington look like a model of consistency. Perhaps a year by year analysis of his professional career (with the help of the ever trustworthy Wikipedia) could help illustrate my point.

1994: Kurt Warner sucks. He does not get drafted and gets cut by the Green Bay Packers pre-season.

1995-1997: Kurt Warner is the man. In the Arena Football League. Which is held in slightly higher regard than the XFL.

1998: Kurt Warner sucks. He plays in one game for the St. Louis Rams, completing just 4 of 11 passes.

1999: Kurt Warner is the best quarterback in football. In what was essentially his rookie season he wins both league and Super Bowl MVP. Eventually the author (that's me) stabs himself in the spine everytime the TV folks show his wife and mom in the stands.

2000: Kurt Warner is average. He passes for a lot of yardage but breaks his hand and his interception ratio isn't good.

2001: Kurt Warner is the best quarterback in football. He wins the league MVP and the author (that's me) is not subjected to further images of family members. That's good because the author can do without the sap story, thank you very much.

2002: Kurt Warner sucks. 6 starts, 11 INTs, 8 fumbles, and a broken finger.

2003: Kurt Warner sucks. 1 start, fucking 6 fumbles.

2004: Kurt Warner is pretty good. He starts the first 9 games for the New York Giants and posts 5 wins (the Giants won only 4 games in all of 2003). He is inexplicably benched in favour of Eli Manning, who is not a particularly good quarterback unless it happens to be the 2008 calendar year.

2005: Kurt Warner sucks. After early struggles and an injury, he is replaced by Josh Fucking McCown. Josh Fucking McCown sucks. He is replaced by Kurt Fucking Warner. Kurt Warner is pretty good until he pops his MCL. And 9s replaced by Josh Fucking McCown. Kurt Warner is broken.

2006: Kurt Warner sucks. He is benched in favour of Matt Fucking Fucking Leinart, who needs at least twice as many expletives in his name as Josh Fucking McCown.

2007: Kurt Warner is awesome. He plays in relief of Matt Fucking Fucking Leinart a few times early in the season before taking over the starting job, throwing for over 3000 yards and 23 TDs in 11 starts.

2008: Kurt Warner is the best quarterback in football. Peyton Manning wins the league MVP with very similar numbers but this playoff run puts Warner over the top for this year.

Be sure to read again for the next edition of the Super Bowlers... an exclusive interview with Troy Polamalu's hair.

By the way...

I don't know her name but I'm pretty sure I married her when I saw this picture on the interwebs (hint: google image search for "leafs" and it's the 2nd result)

After a LONG Absence

Well. Well, well, well. Certainly you, my droogs, have not forgotten about your friend and humble narrator. As I have most certainly not forgotten you, my brothers.

There was me, that is Michael, and I sat in the awesomesauce living room, trying to make up my rassoodocks what to do with the afternoon. The awesomesauce living room had Dr Pepper-plus, Dr Pepper plus Prednosone or Reactine, which is what I was drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old pigskin.

"I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was real old like this one was."

And what did my eyes see but the mighty Arizona Cardinals, fronted as it were by a young droog named Larry Fitzgerald, an older droog named Kurt Warner, and a real horrorshow display of chicanery:



But pay heed to your humble narrator, o my brothers, for the first thing that flashed into my gulliver upon this most momentous of victories was the '47 Cardinals, and that any old drought could possibly be snuffed out, real quick like. Right, right?

Or not.